Raven's Roads
Living an interesting life: the travels and musings
of motorcycling author Linda R. Moore

This is a competition entry for the PPP Blog Battle Royale. It’s a my-post-is-better-than-your-post contest with the judges being the voters. I’ve never come across anything like this before and so I thought it might be fun to do. The challenge is to write about what kind of robot I’d make for iRobot if I were anything other than a complete mechanical klutz and had unlimited resources.

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Over the course of several years I’ve come to detest all things mechanical. It’s not the big stuff that I can’t handle. Things like unscrewing engines and taking all the bits out are fine (under supervision). It’s the fiddlies that I can’t abide. The tiny springs that explode off and land on Mars. The pressure valves that go into orbit at the slightest provocation. The way tires take three hours to change instead of the 30 seconds at the shop. I hate it. I hate any job where I have to have six hands to effectively perform a task. And I can’t just look at a mechanical device–no matter how simple–and know how it works.

Oh, I could wax lyrical on this for hours. I hate it that much! ;)

So of course, I would build a Motorcycle-o-Matic.

The Motorcycle-o-Matic (MOM) is small and compact, resembling a cylindrical shop vac. At its heart is a state-of-the-art computer chip and a 10-terabyte hard drive roughly the size of a credit card. Into this can be downloaded all schematics for any motorcycle ever in production as well as shop manuals. The computer chip with inbuilt AI (Attitude Interface) interprets all data and can ask for more by surfing the web through its Google interface socket. It will even plug itself in if required, or if you put it into Request mode will indicate its requirement for web access with a flashing red light. (Of course, the software comes with content restrictors and firewalls to prevent the MOM from coming down with a virus or spending all its life playing online chess.)

The MOM’s attachments are stored in the “armey” and extend outwards rather like a tape measure. Six extensible, highly mobile arm/hand attachments are provided. Tool recognition software and measurement devices ensures that the MOM can seek and destroy suitably select (SASS) tools for any given task. (An optional curse word dictionary can be loaded for those who miss the drama of motorcycle maintenance. You may pick from a selection of 1,000 famous voices or simply allow the voice selector to randomly pick a voice.)

The MOM may be loaded with digital music files so that it may sing while SASSing.

To use the MOM, simply type the actions to be performed in plain English on the handy fold-out keyboard. (Command: “Spit it out.”) If the MOM is unclear on its course of action, it will give options and you may pick the correct one. Sample instructions might be “Rejet carburetors,” “Replace broken gears,” and “Scratch my back.” The command “Just fix the stupid bike already” results in the performance of a full diagnostic series. Printouts are emitted from the rear-facing output slot.

The MOM is presented by our team of former vaccuum cleaner experienced salespersons. They seldom have to do more than set the MOM loose on any given cycle shop before the potential client reaches for a checkbook. The MOM is the ultimate time-saving device, allowing mechanics to spend more time outside chatting with their buddies, reading magazines, blogging, etc. Typical letter of appreciation: “Thanks, MOM!”

Here are some other posts

• Thursday Thirteen #21: 13 emotions that we’re better off without
• Thursday Thirteen #22: Better decluttering through Thursday Thirteen
• Thursday Thirteen #7: 13 Things I’d barely thought about two weeks ago
• Thursday Thirteen #23: 13 Things about the winter solstice
• Thursday Thirteen #19–13 ways to cheat outrageously at NaNoWriMo

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